Wednesday, September 20, 2006

What are you defined by?

First of all, I know I am not at 200 yet, if ou want to keep commenting, go right ahead!! If not, that is fine. I can't go any longer without posting a new blog...:-)

Just to catch you up on all the excitement happening at our house...Our first fridge had died and a friend...Sharon...(who will be getting a blog soon, I just know it!) had given us an extra one that they had. It was amazing timing and everything, cause hubby still wasn't stable in the job department and we did not have much money. Well, today that fridge finally died...don't know what it is with us and appliances, but they seem to die...The freezer had started to work only occasionally, for a few days at a time, so we just stopped using the top part. But today, alas was when the fridge died for good.

Mr. Hockey poured himself a bowl of cereal and was eating it very slowly...I looked at him and asked if the milk was bad (it was just the way he was looking in the bowl that made me think that). He asked me what the little white dots in the milk were. was so gross...he was almost half done when he realized it was bad. Anyhow, today was also baby bonus check day and we had enough money (minus about 100) to buy a new one. I phoned so many places and finally (with the help of Colleen) found an 18 cubic foot fridge for only $500, delivery and removal included!! In 11 years of marriage, neither one of us has ever spent that much money without the other knowing about it. It felt so weird and awkward. The new fridge isn't delivered until Tuesday, so we have 3 coolers of food on the porch and 1 plug in cooler in the kitchen, it is like camping out at home!!

Now, onto the what I mean by the title of the post. This is just a bunch of what is rolling around in my brain right now. Bear with me if it makes no sense at all...;-)

I was just chatting with a friend on the phone (yes, I still talk to people on that!!). We were talking about what defines us. How do you see yourself? I admit that I am mostly defined by my "mommy duties". I feel lost when I have no kids with me. I do enjoy being without them, but feel weird. So, if I continue like this, how am I going to feel when they are grown up and leave home? Am I going to be less of a person? What about defining yourself as a wife? a victim? a stupid person? by the way you look?

What happens when those things change? How does the way you define yourself make you who you are? I have defined myself by many different titles. I have been the victim, I have been stupid, I have not done certain things in my past, because of these titles. I don't know what I have missed being a part of. I will never know what my life could have held...I have worked through these issues and really continue to work on not going down those routes again. I am conscious of those titles in my past and I am not going to let myself be defined again as those things.

Defining myself as a mom. Yes, I have children. I have 4 at home and one that was born straight to God's embrace. My heart goes up and down with them. They rely on me for everything. I am there for them, no matter what. I am the one that they are looking up to, that they are learning how to be an adult from. How scary is that? But, I am raising kids who are going to go farther then I ever did, who are going to leave home to have a family, or go into the mission field (or both!!). They are going to leave someday (this is what we are trying to accomplish!!) and become responsible adults.

Defining myself as a wife. Why is it that it is easier to take on the term mom, but I find it hard to deal with defining myself as a wife? I am with my husband "from death do us part". That is my whole lifetime. Longer then the 20 or so years that the kids will be home for. Honestly, it just seems so much harder to deal with then the kids are? Does that make me bad? No, cause I am here to work with my husband. We do have a pretty good relationship, but we need to spend more time together, without the kids. We need to get to know each other as individuals, no strings (kids;) attached!!

Defining myself as a child of God. He is my father, He is my heart, He is my world. He is that song "Lover of my soul". When everything is said and done, I am His. I know this, and have gone through a big, spiritual learning streak this year. So, why have I put my "mommying" and "wifey" titles ahead of God?

I know what I need to work on some more this year. I am continuing to grow in Him. I am continuing grow my heart more and more for Him. He is all I desire. He is all I need. When there is nothing left, He is. HE IS! (Ex. 3:14)

Well, my train of thought stops there for now. Maybe this may make sense and maybe not...who knows. Oh well, I will be back in the morning and this all may make sense then!!


  1. great post! how we see ourselves is so huge! cuz it affects how we let others see us as well! great thoughts to ponder!

  2. Hi Ruth

    I'm going to be redefining myself early next year, as it looks likely that Andrew will be leaving home to go flatting, so I will have an "empty nest" for the first time ever. We do put so much time and effort and love into parenting don't we, so I know I will find it hard- not that the parenting stops, but it'll be hands off. I'm hoping to be established in a church fellowship by then, so that I will have a church family.

  3. It sounds like you've been going through (are going through) a deep journey. Me too in a way. I like being able to journal this online. Thank you for sharing! ;)