Friday, November 24, 2006

Feeling a bit...who knows...

Tonight is the night that we go out as a family, we forget about everything else, and we remember our baby who died. She, Angel, was stillborn at 32 weeks. I always start to feel this small sadness creep into my life at this time.

Anyhow, the support group that we went to counselling at hosts this every year. There are beautiful stars that volunteers write the names of our loved ones on and decorate them, and we go up when our 'season' is called. We get to hang it on the Tree of Bright Stars. This is something that we have done since 2001, and then they mail the stars to the families afterwards, so we can hang them on our tree at home. We are getting quite the collection...5 so far.

Then, at this time of year it is like those original feelings come flooding back. December 8th, the date, runs over and over in my mind. I totally know where she is, and I am not sad about that at all, it is just a hard time for me. This year I am volunteering at the program this could be one of the steps that I need to take to complete working through this time of year, helping out others.

I always think about how this would have been her 7th Christmas...she would have been turning 6 years old. How would my life have been different? It is like, since it has been so long, we should really be over it now, I mean, really, we had 2 more kids after, we should be thankful, and we are. But I don't know if the slight grieving will ever really end? Who knows, anyhow, this is the time that we start planning her birthday celebration. On her birthday we go to her grave and have a treat, cupcakes or brownies, and we all let a balloon go in the sky. We stand there and watch them fly away until we can't see them anymore. Then we go and visit the grave of another little girl, the daughter of a friend of ours, who was stillborn just about a week after Angel.

It has become a time to remember and celebrate the little life that we miss so dearly.


  1. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you and your family.

  2. "It is like, since it has been so long, we should really be over it now, I mean, really, we had 2 more kids after, we should be thankful, and we are." -- Wow! That breaks my heart. You will never get over it and you shouldn't. 19 years later and I haven't gotten over it and it's OK. I pray you will find comfort in your grief.

  3. wow bringing me to tears! I don't know if you ever get over it, maybe you just never forget but the pain lessens? I am not sure. I didn't have a still-birth but I too miss my babies that I never got the chance to hold here on earth.

  4. To talk about it and share it with your kids is awesome. My friend whose baby died because the doctor tore the cord away... she never talked about it. She came home from the hospital and shut the door to the nursery and never went it for a year. She still doesn't talk about it. They've had another child since but there is a deep sadness in her eyes that needs to be healed. When you're thinking of Angel, pray for Trish too. Thanks.

  5. I'm a littl elate, but I'm thinking of you as you process all that you've lost, and realize all that you've gained....whether you wanted to or not.

    It's a hard place to be in. Thanks for talking about Angel....somehow, to hear others talk about the children that they've lost makes my own loss seem that much more real....if that makes any sense.

  6. I am so sorry about your little Angel. I do hope God will give you comfort, more and more each year. I think it should be good for you to help with the program. You will still remember, and you want to, but it will put it in a different perspective also when you work on something like that. I love that you celebrate her birthday. I know so many people who have lost children and never say anything about it. Especially those of my Mom's generation. They just went on and had more, and never talked about it. How these women must have suffered in silence.