We were so excited when we found out that we were expecting our third child. Everyone, including the kids. We had decided that we were going to see a midwife and have a home birth this time round. We had never had any problems with our other children and their births.
We were starting to get the room ready and move our two kids into their new room so we could set up the nursery. I was 32 weeks along and we had decided that we wanted an ultrasound just to make sure everythng was going to be okay for the home birth. We went in the morning to the clinic and I knew right away that something was wrong. I started trying to remember when I felt the baby move last and realized that it was on Saturday, it was now Monday. You don't realize what you take for granted until it is too late!!
The technician was asking me questions throughout the exam...how many kids did I have, were they boys/girls, telling me that it was nice to have one of each. I had asked if I could get an ultrasound picture after the exam and she said we would see about that afterwards. I hada really unsettling feeling. She told me that she would be right back and she came in with the doctor. They proceeded to tell us that there was no heartbeat. I totally lost it. They had to repeat themselves a number of times. I didn't want to believe it. We had just been at the midwife less then a week ago, and we had heard the heartbeat.
I had so many awful feelings when I found out. Immediately I wanted a c-section just to get my baby out. It scared me that my baby was dead inside me. The midwife came in to talk it all over with us and what our options were. We decided that I was going to be induced and give birth right away. I had chosen to have an epidural because I didn't think that I should have had to feel the pain. What was the point??
Anyhow, on Tuesday we went to the funeral home and made the arrangements for what we never thought we would have to do. Then we went to the cemetary to pick out a plot for our baby. It was a horrible snowstorm, and there we were trudging around the snowdrifts choosing our baby's resting place. I spent most of the night trying to pick a name for our baby. We didn't know if it was a girl or a boy and the name had to be special. On Wednesday we started the induction. I went home and continued doing my daycare. I got through the week because I was totally numb. I didn't believe what was happening. On Wednesday night we went back for more gel, and then on Thursday morning in we went again. They sent me home because I still wasn't ready. My hubby and I spent the entire day at our pastors house. Just hanging out, we didn't want to come home. It was a nice, peaceful and supportive place to be and that was what we needed. We stayed for supper and I started to feel some contractions starting. We headed back in to town to the hospital, in the middle of a storm and they kept me there.
During this time, I had decided not to have an epidural, I had planned on having a "supernatural" childbirth and felt that I should still do this. I opted for a self-administered morpine drip instead. I barely used it and I don't regret it!! Our daughter, Angel, was born at 4:23 am on December 8, 2000. She weighed 3 lbs. 14 oz. There was a true knot in her umbilical cord. Apparently it had tightened and she had died instantly. We spent our time with her and then we had to say goodbye. The hardest thing was watching the nurse take her away in that special basket. Everyone at the hospital was so good. They helped keep our spirits up and they cried with us when we cried. Our midwife, Ann, was absolutely wonderful as well. I don't know how we could have handled it without God, and everyone who was there.
I know God's taking care of you,And you never will feel pain,You'll never know tears or suffering,And I know I'll see you again.
My heart it feels so empty,My arms feel empty too,But I know deep down inside,That God is there with you.
I know that you are happy,And that there is always cheer,It's just some days I really wish,That I had you with me here.
I am learning to let go,And give it all to God,I am looking for a reason,Why I am finding it so hard.
But you are always with me,Treasured in my heart,Those memories will always live,And never will depart.