Thursday, April 21, 2022

The Questions That Knock You Out

I'm currently in the hospital again, my 4th round of chemo, second of three for this r-dhap round. I felt much more comfortable coming in this time round because it isn't new, I kind of had an expectation of how it works so that has made it easier. 

I was, however, completely caught off guard with the one question I was asked this time. I think it is the first time for this one. 

"If extraordinary measures need to be taken, do you want us to take them or do you want to be DNR"? 

I couldn't answer him, I couldn't find the words. We have talked about this as a family, what my wishes would be, who is the substitute decision maker, what I want and what I don't want, because this reality is here. 

But that specific question... There are so many other parameters to take into account... How can I make that decision on the spot? 

I answered yes, take all measures... But even that answer has consumed me since it was asked. 

How do we decide, not knowing the situation, that DNR is right or wrong? What if you would live a completely normal life, it was just some fluke? What if you say yes, do everything and you end up with no quality of life? How can one decide in an unknown moment? 

I'm not worried, I know I'm going to be fine and that isn't going to be an issue, I know that I am receiving the most amazing medical care, I know the plan that is in place for the remaining treatment has proven an amazing and long outcome, even without a cure...

I just got caught off guard...

We all have an expiration date. They are different and none look the same. How do we choose to live before then? 

We make the choice to savor every moment, complain less, be thankful more, notice the small things, cherish everyone, reach out to others when you feel prompted. 

We all go through life with different battles, different struggles, different lives, but we all need to choose to live one way or another.

I choose to live as though I'm alive, instead of living to die. I'm going to have an impact in this life. I want to hear that I've changed people for the better...

What do you choose?


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