Preschool Woes

Today was my first day in preschool...I think in my whole life!!  LOL...

We have had a few bumps this year with preschool and Faith.  In the end, it has been decided, between us and the workers, that Faith is going to have a one on one support in the class with her.  All the time.

I guess I am having a hard time with it.  I know it is for the better.  I know it is to help if she were to have a seizure.  I know it is being proactive in teaching Faith and giving her the tools she will need for the future.

But for my brain, my heart...I wasn't ready to say that she needed one on one support.  I am kind of bummed by it all.  Last week I had 2 different people go into class with her and I got the reports afterwards.

Faith doesn't listen.  She doesn't sit still when it is time.  She doesn't take turns very good.  She grabbed another child by the arm.  She always had her hands in her mouth and spent a lot of time in the bathroom washing them. 

Today I watched as she just randomly put her hand in someone elses painting.  She dribbled glue and glued someone elses work.  She ate playdough. She shoved her snack in her mouth in large amounts.  She didn't want to stay at the table when it was table time.  I saw her in the bathroom a lot washing hands.  Even when she hadn't put her hands in her mouth.

I also saw her having fun.  I saw her trying to play with other kids nicely.  I saw her sharing. I saw her being her sweet lovable self.  I saw her wanting to be a part of the activities.

I guess I just wasn't as prepared for this as I thought I would be.  I always like to count my blessings, and I do.  I know that we are way farther ahead then ever expected.  However, I also wasn't prepared for my heart to be broken...because in a way I feel it has been. 

And I know this may seem trivial to some...but for me it is huge.  I need to learn to find the balance between the "disability" and the "ability".  I would love advice on how other parents have handled this...I know I am not alone...but I really do feel that way sometimes. 

Summing up how I feel...

I am still working through it all, I do see hope, I do see a light, a friend (BL) sent scripture that was perfect...we are choosing to stand on these...

Isaiah 43:13
13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?"

Isaiah 58:8
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

This poem is my human side...how I am feeling. I haven't written (or shared) a poem in a long time...so bare with me...

Mind is screaming
Heart is dreaming
Mouth is silent

Hot water rushes down
Take my pain and let it drown

Wake me up from this nightmare
Take me from this life unfair

Innocence taken away
Too soon why can't it stay?

Dreaming of a better tomorrow
Hoping for refuge from this sorrow

Praying that God will intervene
Turn our heads from what we've seen

Show us that there is a light
Let us see His strength, His might

Thankful for a life so small
Changing lives around us all

Mind is screaming
Heart is dreaming
Mouth is silent.

Haven't blogged much about this...

I have tried to stay away from blogging about my pregnancy because I would go on and on...and not everyone wants to read about it really, is what I think. This may not be a post for everyone, but I need to work some things out and I am choosing to do it here.

However, today I am. I am 19 weeks pregnant and it has been very different then any of the others. I have been extremely tired (ok, I have 4 kids here too...) and can't eat very much (it is getting better) have felt a lot of odd physical symptoms that have just knocked me down and on top of it I have a huge range of emotions flying around.

All the other stuff I can handle, I am ok with the typical 'pregnancy' stuff but because of our previous loss, the emotions are very different. We has a stillborn daughter in 2000. I was 32 weeks pregnant and I have gone on to have 2 more very healthy pregnancies and babies after. I know that this baby is meant to be, we agreed to try to have another baby and that we were fine with whatever the outcome was going to be, and we got pregnant right away. That happens very rarely for us, it had taken over a year to get pregnant with our last one and I was expecting it to take a bit longer. So we know, that this baby is a 'meant to happen' baby, no doubt in my mind or heart.

I am 19 weeks, I know I already said that, but I have barely felt the baby move. I am so worried about what is going on in there. I had been feeling flutters a few weeks ago and I do know what I am feeling for, I just haven't felt any lately. It is also weird, because I really don't feel pregnant. I have all the normal symptoms, as I said above, but I haven't mentally wrapped my mind around it...it is like I am distancing myself this time round.

It is not a nice feeling, but I can't seem to help it. We have already decided, whether it is the right thing to think about or not, that this is our last child, last pregnancy, last of it all...however the outcome is. I think that because we have that decided, I am finding it hard to really acept I am pregnant then. Because if I attach myself, and something happens, then I have to deal with the loss again, and with my older kids needing more explanation then before.

Any of this make sense? Probably not, but I just have to get this out. I see the midwife on Wednesday again and will let her know about the lack of movement. I don't want to look silly, because I am still quite early, but I felt movement, regularly by this time with previous times. I am so anxious to hear the heartbeat again... I have only heard it the one time so far, and it took so long and it was so faint.

I also have an ultrasound on June 11. I am excited for that, but in a bittersweet sort of way. It was at an ultrasound that we found out about Angel. I seem to mentally prepare myself for that and I don't particularly like that I do. It is just a natural thing that comes out...anyhow, there are my ramblings for the morning. What an exciting post to start the day, huh?