When you hear "There Are 5 Stages of Grief" it sounds so cut and dry.
I have been to bereavement counselling, after Angel was born to Heaven, I went through the stages, I learned how to cope through them, and then life moves on. Grieving should be over.
I have learned something new. For the past 5.5 years, I have been in this constant state of what I call Chronic Grief.
It kind of goes like this:
Wow, I am so excited! We are having a baby and the pregnancy has gone so well. (Expectation)
After the birth - Oh My God. Is she going to live. (Crushed Expectation)
1 week later - She is still alive! She is fighting! (Expectation)
2 months later - She is home! She is not what we expected, but she is ours. (Denying the Crushed Expectation)
7 months later - They said she would be tube fed for the rest of her life...she pulled out the tube!! Let's celebrate! (New Normal)
1 year - We learn what a seizure is. We learn about medications. We have to make health choices that will affect the rest of her life. (Crushed New Normal/Anger)
18 months - She Is WALKING!!! (Expectation, New Normal)
I could go on, but I will stop there.
I realized about 2.5 years ago, that I am living in a constant state of Chronic Grief.
DENIAL: "Yes, she is delayed, but she can be so typical too!"
ANGER: "Why can't they just see that she needs another year of SK?"
BARGAINING: "If I could find some extra resources, maybe things will work out better?"
DEPRESSION: "Forget it, I don't know what to do, if I just curl up on the couch, I will feel better, right?"
ACCEPTANCE: "Ah, new perspective. What if the fact that she was accepted so easily to this program is really the blessing? It will be a good thing for her."
Every one of these phrases I have felt/said over the last month. It is just the next stage of grief that I am currently going through.
I am trying to figure out how to go through this grief, while still being able to function in society. This is going to be the rest of my life.
Every time I see our family take those 2 steps forward, I am almost afraid of how big the step back will be. I am afraid to celebrate somethings, because I am scared that I might jinx it.
Sometimes I feel like I am constantly watching and I have actually found myself waiting for the next blow to come. Because ultimately, I know it is.
It SUCKS!! It just sucks big time. I feel like I can't live my life in a way that sees the positive anymore...
I plan on trying to break down the 5 stages according to my situation and try to figure out how, if possible, to skip some of these steps...or at the very least, cope through them.
I also know that I am not the only one out here who feels this way. I would love anyones input about this, have you figured out ways to cope that work for you?
I just want to find my "normal" and stick with it. Anyone else with me?