Instead, I will write about another word that has come up in my life.
Have you ever had to make a hard decision in your life?
- So hard that you felt your stomach churn each time you thought of it?
- So hard that the lump in your throat would grow and grow and grow, to a point where you felt that you couldn't breathe?
- So hard that you wanted to crawl into your comfort zone and stay there until maybe things blew over, even though you know it never will?
I'm there. I am at that point in my life where I am realizing that the hope I have held onto, the desire of my heart that this would end soon, and in a positive way, that people could learn to listen to their own voices and hearts and God and make a choice to do what was needed to be done, is crashing down.
Each brick that falls is another one of those hopes, those dreams, those desires, the longing to be wanted enough that I was worth fighting for. Each one of those bricks is another piece of me, crashing and smashing into a million pieces on the ground.
I am done with the pain. I know it won't go away overnight. It took a long time to get to this point. But, I can't let it take over me again and again and again.
It is crazy how people who don't know the situation, who don't know the story, who don't even know me as a person, can have such a damaging impact on our future. People who just run their mouths, who don't think about who can see them, who can hear them (oh be careful, little ears and eyes...), and what effect their inability to control themselves is going to have on the innocent ones who are in the situation due to no fault of their own.
To think that people don't value the contribution of the parent who a couple chooses to stay home to raise the kids while the other works, to save childcare costs and earn income, who uses their gift of low-cost living and budgeting skills, is absurd.
So, a new part of my life is starting. I am learning to let go. It is not easy to sever a relationship, and it hurts. More then anyone who hasn't been here can ever know. It is easy for onlookers to say, just walk away, don't get involved, don't dwell on it...but the reality is, I can't. I know that doesn't make sense.
I just want to be fought for and considered worth making an effort for. I want to be the first choice, not the second choice to whatever the "addiction of choice" is. I want to be loved more then the addiction.