Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Growth and Change

This is a post that I have written, let sit for a day or so, prayed about, edited and really want to share. My hesitancy with posting this has been that I don't want people to think it is written about anyone in particular. It is written from a heart that wants to share with others how words and actions can really impact peoples lives. I have recognized and caught myself in this position and an working on "closing the tap, renewing my mind and confessing God's word" over the situations in my life.  Please read this with my heart in mind...

My family and I are entering a new stage of life. We have struggled through a separation, leading to a divorce, kids leaving home, custody and access battles, the court system, the emotional turmoil. It has been a long few years, which, in the process has given us all a new view on life. A new perspective. We have grown into this place where we can feel confident that our love will actually stand strong and see us through.

In myself,  I have seen tremendous growth and I have seen myself become the strong woman that I knew was there before, but didn't know how to let out...I have confidence, I have dreams, I have my self worth back.

I'm not afraid to speak up, I'm not afraid to question. I'm not afraid to stand up to those who judge, speak out of turn or even just behave out of ignorance.

I've also learned that my life is just that, mine. It does not need to be displayed for all to see. Snippets fine, but some things are better kept for ourselves. I've learned that I no longer need to justify every action I take, every move I make, I am the only one who answers for those choices and I am the one who will deal with the consequences.

Through my separation and time spent alone, I have questioned my faith, my stand, where my strength comes from. I have left the church, come back to the church, walked away from people who were toxic in mine and my kids lives.

I have learned a lot about myself, my dreams, my ambitions and how to take the steps to reach them. I am nowhere near this point, but I am constantly growing.

It is interesting to me now, to see where I'm at. To know what I've come through and know that I am at peace with my choices… No matter what anyone else thinks. I stand behind what I do 100% and am thankful for the small group of people who really know me and support me… But who are also there to pick me up if my choice fails.

With my wedding date approaching, there is a whole new set of issues… Not only am I making a change to our family structure, which comes with a whole new set of fears and growing pains, but realizing that everyone else, who are not necessarily part of our family, has an opinion to share.

So, while I am approaching conversations with my kids, who will be greatly impacted by this change, and making sure they are in a position where they still feel safe and that I'm not “giving them up”, I'm also dealing with comments about whether others think this is the right thing for me/us.

I find it frustrating to an extent, that people who may have been a part of my life for a period of time, whether long or short, can voice, very loudly, what they think. Can make assumptions about myself and my partner's choice. People who think they know what is best for us, yet haven't taken the time to understand what we have already been through.

I understand the extreme change that is coming. I am preparing for the “not so perfect” issues that will arise and am praying about how we are going to work through them.

Just because it has been an unconventional relationship, doesn't mean that someone else knows better than those who are on the frontlines with us.

I know that our “normally crazy life” is going to become even more wild, and that we are again going to go through growing pains of sorts.

When is anything worthwhile in life easy?

We will just push through our boundaries and laugh and cry together, as we have always done. We will fight, and scream and test each other's patience, as we have always done. We will love each other hard, and never walk away angry…

As we have always done.

We take risks in life. Getting married is a risk, having a baby is a risk, moving, changing jobs, all risks. This part of my life is no more a risk then anyone elses choices.

The people we will surround ourselves with are those who are going to help encourage us, not try to destroy us. They are the ones who will cry with us, and wipe our tears, not create new ones…and I am truly thankful for the people who have been genuinely happy for me. For those who have jumped in to help plan and add excited to be a part of our future.

So, if you are one of those people, you are more then welcome to join us in this part of our journey. If you are not, and I have become pretty good at recognizing who those people are, then feel free to watch from the sidelines.

It doesn't matter how big your team is, it only matters how strong the members are!!

Stay tuned as we grow into our new normal!  

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