I have tried to stay away from blogging about my pregnancy because I would go on and on...and not everyone wants to read about it really, is what I think. This may not be a post for everyone, but I need to work some things out and I am choosing to do it here.
However, today I am. I am 19 weeks pregnant and it has been very different then any of the others. I have been extremely tired (ok, I have 4 kids here too...) and can't eat very much (it is getting better) have felt a lot of odd physical symptoms that have just knocked me down and on top of it I have a huge range of emotions flying around.
All the other stuff I can handle, I am ok with the typical 'pregnancy' stuff but because of our previous loss, the emotions are very different. We has a stillborn daughter in 2000. I was 32 weeks pregnant and I have gone on to have 2 more very healthy pregnancies and babies after. I know that this baby is meant to be, we agreed to try to have another baby and that we were fine with whatever the outcome was going to be, and we got pregnant right away. That happens very rarely for us, it had taken over a year to get pregnant with our last one and I was expecting it to take a bit longer. So we know, that this baby is a 'meant to happen' baby, no doubt in my mind or heart.
I am 19 weeks, I know I already said that, but I have barely felt the baby move. I am so worried about what is going on in there. I had been feeling flutters a few weeks ago and I do know what I am feeling for, I just haven't felt any lately. It is also weird, because I really don't feel pregnant. I have all the normal symptoms, as I said above, but I haven't mentally wrapped my mind around it...it is like I am distancing myself this time round.
It is not a nice feeling, but I can't seem to help it. We have already decided, whether it is the right thing to think about or not, that this is our last child, last pregnancy, last of it all...however the outcome is. I think that because we have that decided, I am finding it hard to really acept I am pregnant then. Because if I attach myself, and something happens, then I have to deal with the loss again, and with my older kids needing more explanation then before.
Any of this make sense? Probably not, but I just have to get this out. I see the midwife on Wednesday again and will let her know about the lack of movement. I don't want to look silly, because I am still quite early, but I felt movement, regularly by this time with previous times. I am so anxious to hear the heartbeat again... I have only heard it the one time so far, and it took so long and it was so faint.
I also have an ultrasound on June 11. I am excited for that, but in a bittersweet sort of way. It was at an ultrasound that we found out about Angel. I seem to mentally prepare myself for that and I don't particularly like that I do. It is just a natural thing that comes out...anyhow, there are my ramblings for the morning. What an exciting post to start the day, huh?
I can certainly understand the feelings you are having. Things are going to be alright. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI think is natural to have emotions like that, I know I did and even though in my heart I wanted more children, yes even after Faith, I didn't want to go through the 9 months of worry and stress again.
ReplyDeleteJust thank Him for His perfect peace and make sure you let the mid-wife know everything!
Hi, I found you through your post over at Seawind's blog. This entry touched my heart and I sure hope that you and your little one are okay and that your midwife appt. on Weds. was fruitful.
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