Happy 11th Birtday Angel!!

11 years ago today our baby girl was born to Heaven.

More of Life in the Van

The other day I picked the girls up from school and, just like in the past, the lessons they learned in the van were huge. 

We had driven past a cemetery and Hope piped up from the back "All those stones are where the people are, right mom?"

And I answered her, yup, she was right.

The December Blahs...

I love Christmas, I always have...but December is that time when the sun starts to go down, if it shows up, and it can be dark and dreary.  Add to that the birthday of our daughter who was born to Heaven 10 years ago and it can become a real dark time of year.  Angels story is here

You would think that after 10 years it wouldn't hurt so much, and it doesn't hurt AS much as it did in the beginning, but I guess the unknowns of what life would have been like, and how our family would have been so different creep up every year at this time. 

I have noticed that I seem to have a hard time getting into the spirit of the season until after Angels birthday.  The past few years we have missed out on going to celebrate at her cemetery, because I think we are in a different season, but this year I am kinda feeling like we need this.  We need to acknowledge that little life again, with the whole family.  Not just for me, but for all of us and to bring us to that point where we can be thankful for and celebrate all our lives and circumstances.

If I had the opportunity to change our history and to "delete" this experience, I don't think I would.  I think that everything we go through in life, whether good or bad, helps to define who we are as people.  We may not have been able to touch so many lives when Faith was born, if we hadn't learned to mourn Angel. 

We wouldn't have been able to understand and be compassionate towards others going through difficult times, if we hadn't learned to go through the grieving process...

I wouldn't change any of it.  I know, without a doubt, that Angel is in Heaven, celebrating regularly and she has no pain and one day we will be there with her.  It really is comforting to know that. 

So, while it is the happiest time of the year, we still mourn and grieve the life that we never got to know...but we take pleasure in being reminded that this is the season of life and redemption...and that our mourning can become dancing!!

I really want to insert a picture here, but those pictures are still for my personal friends...

I tried to write a poem for this post...but right now I can't get past:

10 years have passed so quickly
Since we held you in our arms
A life so precious, oh so sweet

And I can't really get past that...

I guess that I want to say that the impact of Angel in our life has been mixed...we have felt confusion, love, faith, doubt, anger, support and now strength.  Without Angel a part of our life we would have never been able to handle the fight for Faith.  Without Angel in our life we would have never been able to mourn and comfort someone else going through a tough situation..

Without Angel...

Without Angel...

We would not be who we are today. 

Happy Birthday Angel, you will always be a part of our lives:-)

Visitor From Heaven - Twila Paris
A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
And now it's time to say
We trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And we're so glad you're there
We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

9 years ago, and a Faith update...

9 years ago, around this time, my hubby and I were on our way home from the hospital, empty handed. Sounds a bit harsh, but it was our reality. Even though 9 years have passed, and we have "moved on", so they say (who is they anyways?), Angels memory will always be with us. She was born still at 32 weeks. Now, instead of making sure we always visit the gravesite (which we haven't been to in a while), we make sure to remember that there is always another little girl, who is a part of our family, that we will meet in heaven one day. We believe that she is there waiting for us, and living a life like no other!!

It was emotional, which is expected. We questioned why something like this would happen to us...aren't we good people? We found that if we continued to dwell on those questions, the ones that will never be answered, we could really hit a downward spiral in our lives. We chose to accept, never forget and always celebrate the little life, that we never met.

Fast forward 7 years. Faith is born. No problems were expected As I have said many times, it hit us and life stood still for a while. We perservered through all the decision making, we fought for her life.

Had we never experienced our losing Angel, I truly believe in my heart that we would never have been strong enough to fight for Faith. Things happen for reasons. They still hurt, we still question, we still long to meet our only dark haired baby girl!! But we choose to live, we choose to celebrate the growth in us.

7 years ago, 5 years ago, 3 years ago I would not have felt this way. I was still struggling. I was emotional each year as Angels birthday approached. We couldn't understand and still wanted to know "why?". Now we can celebrate the ones who are here, we would have never known Cutie Pie, who was born just a year after Angel died. We may not have fought hard enough for Faith. As hard as it is to say, and as hard as it is for others to understand, I am thankful for my past expperiences, no matter how difficult they have been. I would not be the person I am today without those experiences in my life...and I like who I am becoming!!

Ok, now for an update. Faith had an appointment with the pediatric opthamologist at the big hospital, out of town. We were hoping for a surgery date, but for now we are going to try a new prescription of glasses. If the eyes correct with them, then there will not be a need for surgery. If there is no improvement in 2 months, then we will have our surgery scheduled. I am not sure what I am hoping for in the long run, I just want Faith's vision to remain good.

The new year will start all the therapy appointments again. The last time we were at the OT they talked about using a orthotic (assistive device) to go on her hands so that she doesn't curve them under as much. We figure that this is why we are having some fine motor issues and would like to see that fixed. I don't mind making some adjustments as she grows, staying away from a lot of zippers, shoe laces, using pencil grips to help her with writing, but if it could be corrected altogether it would be one less thing for us to worry about!

Today was also her first day of daycare. It is with a friend and she goes to playgroup. It is nice to know that Faith does well outside of the home and our care. I think it will be good to get her out there and interacting with some other kids and be able to watch her in those positions. She did very well today! I am happy. I need to see if I can find some time to do a few more of those activities with her. I just have been so busy with school, work, studying and life in general.

Anyhow, that is about all today. I am going to run and have lunch finally, then study a bit for my test. Only 7 more classes until the holidays!! Then placement!!