Believe, Belong, Behave - From a Broken Family Perspective

Our family has been broken.  For almost 3 years now. I am finally acknowledging this.

We are struggling to figure out how to piece our puzzle back together now.  Each of us is a piece and some days we seem to not fit together perfectly.  It has been a sad, emotional, and upsetting journey for us to travel.  We have fought, cried, screamed, almost given up and fought even harder.

I thought that I could deal with this on my own.  I am the mom, I should know how to put together this puzzle that is our family.  I should be able to know my kids, know where and how we all fit together and everything should just be bliss.

I realize now, that I can't do this on my own.

I heard in church, once upon a time, a sermon that talked about believing, belonging and in the end, the behaviour will line up as well.  I honestly don't remember exactly what it was referring to or what the actual context was, but I have owned this now, as it relates to my broken family.

Some people know the struggles that we have been through, that we continue to go through, and I don't even want to think about what struggles will have in store for the future.  These are not struggles that I share publicly, or even with all those in my circle of support, but I do share and will now share here, about how we are navigating these new waters.

We have 6 people living in our house.  This is us.  We have all worked hard, sacrificed plenty and continue to contribute as much as possible to get to where we are.  6 people = 6 personalities.

6 personalities that don't mesh well, a lot of the time.  Something that has popped back into my mind is the phrase, "BELIEVE, BELONG, BEHAVE.

For me, it means that if we BELIEVE that we BELONG we are more likely to BEHAVE.

This year has started very difficult. The past 2 years, I think we were all still numb and trying to figure out where we fit, this year seems to be the biggest struggle.  Is it that we are all getting older? Is it that we have accepted where we are?  Is it that we have lost hope?  I have no answers to that.  It is just where we are.

Since the beginning of the year I have dealt with accepting the abuse that was in the past.  I have realized the ways that I had been manipulated. I have had complete emotional breakdowns.  I feel like I am still growing, still learning how to express my thoughts, still working on understanding how I arrived to this destination.

But, I have also recognized that this is so much more then just me.  I always knew that the kids were going to be affected, but my thinking was wrong.  I have always thought that kids are resilient.  They will bounce back...they do, right?  Not anymore.  I am wondering if this situation, which is not ideal, has finally set in and they realize that it is not going to be "FIXED".  There is no more "HOPE" for our family becoming whole again.  If I have struggled so much, I am now realizing how much more they are struggling.

Everyone deals with sibling rivalry - and if you don't, then you absolutely need to share your magic secret, cause you could make millions!

However, we have grown stronger.  We have more openness, the freedom to fight and love again, the freedom to have a voice, and this is where I am now struggling with how to handle all this freedom when voicing opinions, thoughts, frustrations etc...

One of my children has voiced very concerning comments, we have begun counseling because of the comments as well as the acknowledgement of abuse.  We are learning to navigate through those waters now too.

But, my realization is that we are a puzzle, our family is a puzzle that is in a box.  It only has 6 pieces, should be simple to piece them all together, right?

What I am learning is that while 2 pieces may fit together and another 2 may fit together, all 6 are not connecting.  It is like the little knobby piece from one has been damaged so greatly that it just will not connect.

I have tried to push it in.  I have tried to bend it back into shape.  I have tried to gently rub the edges back into position.  It's not working.  The puzzle piece doesn't BELIEVE that it BELONGS.

It is that realization that someone who we love, who we cherish, who is so much a part of us, doesn't believe that they belong, that has me trying to come up with new ways to mold this piece back into shape.

I know this is just for a time.  I know that we will get through, we always do.  A diamond doesn't just become a diamond instantly, the fire and the process it was brings it to its glory.

We are at a pivotal place in our story and I pray that I am making the right choices and setting the right examples.  I pray that these puzzle pieces can see that they belong, no matter what.  I pray that we can put our puzzle together in such a way that it never falls apart again.

MISSION:
To put the puzzle together

VISION:
Respect, Honour and Give Life to each other

VALUES:
IN THIS FAMILY WE WILL BUILD EACH OTHER UP!!

Do you have a Family Statement?  This is something that I will be hanging in our house as a reminder to all of us.

Ding Dong Diaper Ditch #pgmom

I have had a secret for a few months.  A secret that is finally making its way out there, but man was it hard to keep this special news to myself!

I have a friend who found out she was expecting her fourth child (her other 3 are 11, 9 and 7) and I was just as surprised as she was.

Starting over again, after 7 years, is a big deal.  She says she feels like a first time parent again!

Yesterday I was able to attend her ultrasound appointment, and I LOVED seeing the little hands and the dancing legs, the oh so strong heartbeat and the perfectness of this little miracle:-)

This person is....

Are you ready for it?

My BFF Cheryl!!

So, really, Cheryl having a baby is like me having another one:-)  Cause we are practically family, and while I was worried about her at first, I realized that I am so excited to help her out with her newest family member, and add another "honorary" member to our family!!

Last month, I had the opportunity deliver a special package to a friend who was expecting and she was my choice.  It is going to be so interesting to feel like you are starting over again, and I wanted to give her a little bit of a head start!

P & G sent me a package of:  Pampers Swaddlers Diapers (size 1) and Pampers Sensitive Wipes, Ivory Snow Liquid detergent, a copy of “Caring for Kids: The Complete Guide to Children’s Health” and a
Canada onesie

I thought it would be fun to have Faith deliver the package, since she is so smitten with babies... Here is the video!

Cheryl was so excited to receive this package and begin collecting some of the many needed items she needs to start over with...I was glad to be able to help her out a bit:-)

She is due in August and I absolutely cannot wait to hold and love and snuggle her bundle of joy....

The miracle of life is AWESOME!!

Well.ca wants to help new parents too by ensuring mom and dad don’t have to go past their doorstop for a refill on Pampers. Subscribe to Pampers on well.ca before April 15th and get a 15 per cent discount and up to 500 Gifts to Grow points on select Pampers purchases! Plus – get 50 bonus Welcome points when you sign up!

 Disclosure: I am a P&Gmom. As part of my affiliation with this group I receive products and special access to P&G events and opportunities. The opinions on this blog are my own.

Coming To Terms With My Life...

This was the first time I ever looked at Faith.

We prayed for strength, for a miracle, for the doctors to be wrong.

We were told that she wouldn't live, we were told that she shouldn't live.

We disagreed with them.

I don't regret our decisions...

We are now seeing what the doctors told us about.

We are seeing the frontal lobe brain damage the most...

I feel like I am living in a house that I work in. 

We are now having to build a safe room...for her safety and the others in the house.

She is only 3 and a half...

She has bruised, bitten, pinched, punched slapped, kicked, everyone in our house...

She has thrown plastic chairs, toys, overturned kitchen chairs in her rages...

She has tried climbing out the bedroom windows, on the second floor.

She is pushing us to our absolute limits...

We love her, she loves us, we couldn't live without her...

We need to learn to live with her, and this is what is hard.

I now have to say the doctors were right.  I now have to come out of my denial closet.

Everything has escalated so much and so fast that I can barely process it...

I can't help but think what is going to happen to her in 10 years, in 15 years...even just in 5 years...

It makes my heart sad to think that we won't be able to handle her one day.

She is already too strong for me to restrain properly...

How on earth do parents handle this part of the journey?

She can go from a happy go lucky little girl

To a complete, uncontrollable, violent meltdown in less then a second...

And to top it all off...no one sees this unless they are close enough to our family...

I am not handling this well...at all...

Chicken Soup for the Soul, New Moms - REVIEW and GIVEAWAY

I was sent Chicken Soup for the Soul: 101 Inspirational Stories of Joy, Love, and Wonder to review, and while I am not a new mom anymore, I thought I would check it out anyways.  I had my husband flip open to any random snippet in the book and I started to read it out loud!! 

He had no idea what he was in for, as I started reading about a new mom who had figured out how to maneuver double pumping of breast milk while driving from one location to another...and how one day a trucker was driving right along side her smiling, as the wind was blowing up her blouse!!  Haha...I couldn't stop laughing...

I can only imagine what is in the rest of this book;-)

I would absolutely recommend this book to any new parent or expectant parent out there who needs a little humour in their lives:-)  I think this would also make a great baby shower gift for mom (and even dad can sneak a peek;-)

You can find this book for sale at: Amazon for just over $10

I am also offering a giveaway here, on my blog.

3 people will win a copy of this great, insprational book!! 
3 WINNERS!!

This contest will run from today, April 9 - April 20 at midnight EST

MANDATORY ENTRY:

• Leave me a comment with a funny story of something that happened to you/someone you know about being a new mom... (it's THAT easy!!) 

EXTRA ENTRIES (these are optional):

• Follow this blog - Mom's Musings - on Google Friend Connect. The "Follow" button is in the right-hand sidebar
• Follow Mom's Musings on Twitter and Tweet this giveaway – #giveaway US/Can - #WIN the Chicken Soup for New Moms #inspirational book http://bit.ly/gpzFLK @momsmusings Apr 20 @ midnight EST (RT once a day for more entries)
• Like Mom's Musings on Facebook
• Follow Mom's Musings on Networked Blogs
• Subscribe to my blog by email (in the right hand sidebar) (2 entries)
• Share this giveaway on any Sharing Site (Digg, StumbleUpon etc...) (2 entries each)
• Share this giveaway on your blog and post the link in the comments (5 entries)

Positive Parenting Solutions Webinar: Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling

My friend Stacie over at Simply Stacie is partnering up with Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, to offer a FREE live training webinar on Wednesday, April 13th from 9-10pm EST.

Are you struggling (like I have been lately?) with figuring out how to deal with your kids?  Some days I feel like I am losing my mind and I have to keep reminding myself that this is for a season.  This webinar is right up my alley and I think it will give many of us that fresh, new outlook that we all need to get sometimes!

When you attend this FREE webinar, you are going to learn how to Get Kids to Listen without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling

Amy says that all the participants will walk away with concrete tools that they can use ASAP and see results.

You do not need to have a webcam to participate.


Amy will be there LIVE via a video image of her in the upper left corner of your screen the whole time. As she talks with you, you will be able to watch her PowerPoint presentation that is packed with valuable strategies and examples. Be prepared with some questions as you will be able to type them to her in the chat box and Amy will answer them as part of the webinar.

Seriously?  You would be silly to miss this great opportunity to gain some insight into dealing with kids, whether you have 1, 10 or know people with kids...

Best of all??  It’s FREE and all you have to do is RSVP and then learn the proven strategies to Get Kids to Listen without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling!

Webinar seating will be limited so learn more and RSVP now!

Please share this on your FACEBOOK page by clicking here!

Ain't Misbehavin' Blog Tour and Giveaway!!



No explanation needed...



After the tantrum, on the hospital floor



This is Faith.

She is my spirited child.

We have 5 kids, and they have all been different.  Our 2 older kids have turned out pretty great, even in their teenage years.  We don't have those horror stories that some parents experience at this time of their kids lives.  The next kid is learning.  She has a bit of an attitude, but she also has such a tender heart.  We are working on cultivating it more and are looking forward to watching her grow into a sweet and wonderful teenager.

Then we have the next 2 kids.  Hope and Faith.  We have struggled with parenting with those 2, in particular.  They are both so spirited.  Hope is so emotionaly and they just seem to run her life.  We can't make any jokes with her, she can't lose the game (though we just put up with the tantrum after and play fair), she is so active and just so stubborn...well, maybe I mean strong willed.  But, she is so smiley, so loving and she loves hard!!

And we have Faith.  She is very much like her sister, but is physically aggressive as well.  We have to watch her like a hawk so she doesn't leave permanent scars on her siblings.  She is also the biggest cuddler and has to touch skin to skin to fall asleep, but she doesn't stay asleep.  More on sleep in another post.

Even after being parents for the past 15 years, we are really struggling with how to deal with these 2 girls, without breaking their spirits and their individuality.

When Mom Central sent out the email for the book, Ain't Misbehavin', by Alyson Schafer, I was on it!!  It sounded like something I could use, just having to focus on the section that worked the best for me at that moment.  I don't have time to read whole books, and we had tried almost every method out there...

This book arrived and I was glued to it (for the few seconds I had) and I knew it was going to be a GO-TO book for me.

I have read through a few of the sections briefly, and I found it to be such an easy, quick read.  One of the sections that hit me was all about sleeping habits!!  We are going to try some of the suggestions she has listed in her book.  There are too many to list here.  The book also covers topics like nose picking, not saying bye to people (ignoring and being rude), picky eaters etc...

It has every topic you can think of!! 

I would absolutely recommend this book to any parent out there who is struggling with their kids, and like me, doesn't have the time to read an entire book to figure out a way to deal with them. 

You can find this book for sale at: Amazon for approximately $10...well worth the sanity it could bring to your life!!

I am also offering a giveaway here, on my blog.

This contest will run from Today, April 2 - April 21 at midnight EST.

MANDATORY ENTRY:

• Leave me a comment telling me why you want to win this book

For EXTRA ENTRIES (these are optional):

• Follow this blog - Mom's Musings - on Google Friend Connect (it's THAT easy!) The "Follow" button is in the right-hand sidebar
• Follow Mom's Musings on Twitter and Tweet this giveaway – #giveaway US/Can - WIN the AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' #parenting book @momsmusings http://bit.ly/e7UeN5 Apr 21 @ midnight EST (RT once a day for more entries)
• Like Mom's Musings on Facebook
• Follow Mom's Musings on Networked Blogs
• Subscribe to my blog by email (in the right hand sidebar)
• Share this giveaway on any Sharing Site (Digg, StumbleUpon etc...)

Disclosure - I am participating in the Ain’t Misbehavin’ program by Mom Central on behalf of Wiley Publishing.  I received a copy of the book to review and gift card as a thank you for my participation.  The opinions on this blog are my own.

Parenting - Raising Them To Send Them

Keri and Devin, the 2 oldest...they grow too fast!!

Parenting can be really trying and tiring.  Learning how to go through each stage, with different kids is difficult, to say the least.

When you see your kids making choices that make you proud, you deserve to enjoy the fact that maybe you didn't screw them up too bad:-)

My parenting philosophy has always been the same.  I am not sure where I read about this "concept" but it is something that I have held onto while raising my kids.  It is the idea that I am not raising toddlers, or preteens or even teens, I am raising adults.  They do get to enjoy being kids and teens, but I have an expectation of maturity and of good choices. 

My kids have learned early on that the choices they make will impact their lives.  Not just today, but for years to come.  The choices they make will mold them into who they will become.  So, the better the choice, the better the outcome. 

I have always been quite open with my children about my past and their fathers past.  We have made many mistakes and have regretted many things.  We have shared these with our kids (to a point) and we hope that they can learn from our past and not make the same choices.  We have also tried to expose our kids to the whole world.  Not just who we are and what we believe, but who else is out there and what beliefs do they have? 

My goal in raising my children is not to keep them with me for as long as I can, my ultimate goal is to see them leave their home and make an impact on the world.  It doesn't have to be a big impact, just to leave their mark for the positive.  I want my kids to have a heart for the nations.  I want them to be compassionate to others.  I want my kids to believe, 150% what they choose to believe.  That doesn't mean I want them to believe everything I believe just because we told them to.  I want their worldview to be shaped by themselves.  How else can they stand up and fight for what they believe if they have no idea why?

My kids have been exposed to many cultures, religions, beliefs and foods.  We have celebrated non-Christian holidays.  We have read books and stories from other religions and belief systems.  We have involved them in many multi-cultural events.  We have, ultimately, instilled a love for others by doing this.

We have done something right!! 

This summer these 2 kids (the "pre-adults") in the picture above, Keri, who is 12 and Devin, who is 15, will both be going to different countries this summer.  They are both going on a missions trip and are looking forward to it. 

Devin has been to Guyana and Romania so far and is planning on returning to Romania.  He has been working in a nice restaurant as a dishwasher/prep cook.  He has been saving his money since he started and is almost to the goal for his trip. 

Keri is going on her first missions trip.  She is heading to Peru this summer with TeenMania.  She is excited and nervous all at the same time.  She took over Devins paper route to start saving money and just made her first deposit of $400.00.  All her own money!

These are "teenagers", the group that the world says are "disrespectful", "selfish", "self-centred".  These are my young adults who are choosing to save their money to make an impact, instead of buying the newest iPod out there.  These are my young adults who are going to show the world that not all teenagers fit into the box that is there for them.  These are my young adults who have shown me that we have done something right in raising our kids.  This is the next generation! 

I am so proud of my kids.  I am so glad that we have been given this opportunity to train them and see them fill a need.  To see them desire to help others.  I can already see Grace, our 9 year old, wanting to go soon.  It will only be a few more years and we will be sending her!  I have also been asked if I am nervous for my kids to go.  I am not.  At all.  I am so glad that they will get to be a part of the bigger picture!

We have succeeded in parenting...we have done what we are supposed to do.  We have trained our kids to go.  And they are going!!

If you would like to donate to Keri, who will also be fundraising, feel free to go to the TeenMania website and click the link for Global Expeditions.  You will need to add her first and last name: Keri Patton and her ID# 2631416 . This site takes Mastercard and Visa.  Thank you for any and all support, financial or otherwise:-)

How do you feel when your kids leave?

Something said in church, that hasn't been preached yet...

It has really stuck with me, and I am thinking about how one little phrase can rearrange my whole parenting philosphy...

Our pastor was talking about the 3 B's of church membership - bums, bucks and something else...then he made reference to another set of 3 B's:

Belong
Believe
Behave

And that is it...those 3 words have caused me to re-evaluate my whole concept of parenting.  It has made me aware of some things that I will need to change.  It has brought me to a clearer understanding of my own children...and even of myself.

3 words...he hasn't even preached on this yet!!

BELONG

Our parenting style has always been a flexible one.  What works for one won't always work for another, so we revamp everything.  I keep patting myself on the back (and hubby too) because even though we think we have screwed up somewhere with our kids, they show us that we have actually done something right.

I can't necessarily say what it is, but our ultimate goal in parenting is to train our kids up to send them away...sounds weird, I know.  I want my kids to impact the world, I want them to make a difference.  I want them to WANT to do missions, and give of themselves.

Mr. H has gone on 2 trips so far, planning and preparing for his 3rd.  Princess is planning on going on her first one in 2011.  I am glad that we have been able to instill this attitude and desire into our children.

The older 2, I believe, have a sense of belonging in our family.  They are the oldest, they are the ones who help out the most.  They have responsibility and they just know that they Belong.  I think that is why, for the most part, we don't see a lot of those "teen" issues that sometimes arise.  I have always said that I am raising adults, not kids.  I am trainging future husband/dad and wives/moms.  It gives a different view in how you respond and direct them.

Then the next 3 kids come along.  We really struggle(d) with parenting after the loss of our daughter, Angel.  I was 32 weeks along when she passed.  She was "born into Gods hand".  We had to bury her, we had a service for her...we even had the "funeral" get together after the burial.  It was a tragic moment in our life.

Parenting the next 2 after the loss was a whole different thing.  We can't take back what we have done, we can't change the past.  I think they know that they belong...in a certain way.  We were a little more lenient, our choices were a little more relaxed, we were just thankful that we had completed 2 more pregnancies...and that will never change.  I think though, that we may have cause some of the issues that we see rising up in our house.

Then came Faith - well, she has special needs, you know...we can't treat her the same (there is my sarcasm coming out online;-) 

It is really hard to navigate these unknown territories, these still new to us seas. 

We need to think of ways to show these last 3 kids that they BELONG!!  And that they can BELIEVE that they belong.  We are dealing with listening issues, respect issues, behavioural issues and we just aren't dealing with them in the right way...

Something that the pastor said, along with these 3 words, I originally had a hard time with.  He said - ignore the behaviour if they don't believe they belong somewhere...I thought, WHAT???  Are you CRAZY!?!?! How can we ignore the behaviour, these kids need to learn that they are making bad choices...but then I got to thinking...

Ah, they need to belong, like my older 2, they need to see that we can't function without them.  They need to know that not only are they special to us, but they are special to God as well.  We chose them, God chose them, God chose US to raise THEM!!  They need to belong...

How do you make your kids feel that they belong?

I get it...tomorrow - look for Believe:-)